OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!

Well, it finally happened.  The hours in the gym, salads and Muffy all worked together to get me back into my pre-Cushing's clothes!  It's like having a whole new wardrobe.  I can just go into my closet and pick out anything I want and put it on.  No humiliation, no disappointment.  I haven't been able to do that for over a year!!  Woo-hoo!

It seems like such a shallow thing to be so excited about being back to my own size.  In the big scheme of my medical issues, size plays no real part.  Especially since my Cushing's isn't gone.  My condition hasn't really changed, it's just being managed by Muffy.  But you know, sometimes you have to celebrate the small stuff like being able to wear your favorite jeans.

The other big part of this is being able to see myself again when I look in the mirror.  For the past year I've looked in the mirror and seen someone I don't recognize looking back at me.  My face wasn't the same, my body certainly wasn't the same, and even my hair, after falling out  in vast quantities several times, wasn't the same.  Now it's me again.  Even my hair is all starting to grow back!

I suppose this means that I need to put a current picture here on the blog...I'll have to work on that...

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

Well my friends, let's return to that bygone time of April 2010.  One short year ago, and the official beginning of my Cushing's saga.  I knew something was wrong for months before April 2010, but didn't actually get to the doctor and have a diagnosis until April.  And thus started the wildest year of my life...

Last night Keith and I went over to our friends Carrie and Bruce's house for a celebratory barbecue.  April 2010 marked Carrie's breast cancer diagnosis (out of the blue thanks to a routine well-woman exam) and sent her down a wild path herself.  We are both doing quite well now, she is cancer free and Muffy has my Cushing's under control, and figure that this spring and summer should be dedicated to appreciating what we've been through and what we have.  That will include much enjoying each other, outdoor barbecues, and life in general.  Because we can.  Which can't be said for either of us a year ago.

Looking back it's still hard to put into words how my life has changed because of what I've been through and what I've seen Carrie go through.  Everything just seems trite and like things any run of the mill inspirational speaker would say.  But I'm overwhelmed by the fact that you can do everything right, plan for every contingency, totally type-A your life until it's locked down so tight there is no wiggle room, and the Universe can still, without warning or reason, turn it upside down.  No need to get your knickers in a knot wondering why, it just does.  So you have to live your life every day so that if something happens tomorrow, you have no regrets.  Hug the people you love, do the things on your bucket list, live your life full and loud every day.  And celebrate accomplishments.  Like making it through a year like no other.  Raise a glass of your beverage of choice and be thankful for the opportunity to live one more day.  Life is what you make it, so make it good.

I wish I wrote it.

As I was digging through some things in my office the other day, I found this.  I cut it out a while ago from who knows where, when I was doing triathlons with a bum hip.  As I re-read it I realized that it still applies.  My situation may be different, but the meaning still applies...

A Flowchart for Crossing the River

Get out there and start to exert yourself.
Go long or go hard or both.
Begin to experience pain.
As you go further and/or harder, the pain increases.
The pain starts to annoy you.
You assess the pain: is it injurious?
If not, then you make a conscious decision to accept the pain.
You don't mind the pain.
You don't care about the pain.
You are not attached to the pain.
Finally, you accept the pain.
The pain just is.
After acceptance, you realize that the pain doesn't matter.
Without it mattering, it can't contain or control you.
You have transcended the pain.
Now you can do anything.
Here's the critical part: As you go further or harder, the cycle can either by repeated or not.
You decide.
It's your pain.
Go with it.

-Chris Kostman

We may not be able to always choose what happens to us, but we always have the choice how to deal it it.

phew!!

We dodged a bullet last week because Congress decided to be adult and not allow the government to shut down because of a lack of consensus on the budget.  No matter what your political leanings, or how you feel about the Federal Government, this is great news for ME.

In case you don't have anyone who personifies the good work that our government does, use me.  I am the face of "non-essential" government spending that is absolutely essential to me.

The NIH is a federally funded institution whose employees are all federal employees.  If the government shuts down, the employees are furlowed and, by law, completely out of touch and unavailable.  These people are doctors and scientists who are charged with making the medical and scientific discoveries for this country and the world without the confines of having to make a profit by doing it.  In a world where the United States is falling behind more every year in a myriad of scientific and educational categories, is this what we want to be shutting down?  Is this where we want to be slashing dollars? 

I received an email from my doctor on Friday telling me that if a government shutdown did occur she would be completely unavailable and giving me the information on who to contact in case of an emergency.  My condition has been pretty stable for a while, but that doesn't mean that I don't communicate with my doctor regularly and the thought of not being able to do that sent me into a bit of a panic.  And my panic notwithstanding, her biggest concern was not being able to communicate with her patients.  Luckily, this didn't come to fruition.

I don't care if you are a rabid tea-partier or pinko liberal commie.  I ask you to hope/prey (whichever floats your spiritual boat) that the government doesn't shut down.  It looks like we have  6 months until we have to worry about this again, so start sending those vibes now.  We're going to need it.

There's a bright golden haze on the meadow...

OK, I have the Oklahoma song running through my head.  But take out "meadow" and insert "front yard" and you've got my day today.

I'm not a huge gardener.  I don't have a black thumb, but I wouldn't necessarily say I have a green thumb either.  But I love having flowers and happy plants around me.  They make me smile.  They look pretty.  For the last two years I haven't been able to work in the yard.  2009 saw me down from hip surgery, and 2010 I was down on the couch with Cushings.  I'm not trying to make up for that lost time; that isn't possible on any front.  But I am having a great time this year working my fingers to the nubbin perking the place up.

Today I finished working in the front yard.  I used annuals in pots this year to add some merry color to the front of the house.  I've never been a fan of annuals.  It seems like such a waste to spend money on something that is just going to bloom this year and be done.  But this year we're celebrating.  Celebrating life, celebrating activity, celebrating nature.  And celebrations need happy flowers whether they're here next year or not!!  Once my roses start to bloom, the whole front of the house will be flower central!  Here's a pic of what we look like right now...

I hauled bags of mulch and potting soil, made several trips to Lowe's, dug holes in soil that hasn't been dug in many, many years, weed-be-gone'd the walk edges and generally spruced up the place.  The sun was out, the humidity was down and the breeze was light.  All in all, it was a fabulous day!

Now I'll start on the back yard.  It's a little more complicated than the front yard.  It's bigger and it's got more stuff going on.  Not to mention that Erin likes to dig holes in which she lays and suns herself.  No plant is safe if it's in a place she wants to lay.  Oh well, I'll just enjoy spending the time outside just like she does...And when I'm done I'll include pictures here.

It's not lost on me how different I am this March than last.  Last year at this time I was just figuring out what was wrong with me and feeling horrible...and it was getting worse by the day.  There was no slinging of mulch bags or even wanting to plant things.  I was too tired and sick.  But this year, thanks to Muffy, I'm back and loving every minute of it while it lasts.  Let's hope it lasts for a while!

Quad sighting!!

As I may have mentioned, I spend alot of time at the gym.  Because I still have so far to go to get back to where I was before Cushing's I don't really focus much on how far I've come.  But today I did.

I put on a pair of workout shorts that I haven't worn in a year and was quite happy about just that.  But then I noticed that I had some noticeable quad muscle going on!  I find it a little ironic that my quads are the first muscle that I find re-emerging when I still have SUCH problems getting down on the floor and back up again with those quads.  Think turtle on it's back, and you've got the picture.  Oh well, I guess my ability to kneel down and rise will come back when I least expect it too.  Be that as it may, quads I now have...again...

I did one of my usual workouts today, heavy on the physical therapy exercises and weight lifting with cardio as warm up and cool down.  Yes it's hard, yes it hurts.  But I'm getting back to that point where the feeling of accomplishment overrides everything else.  That's one of the things that Cushing's took from me - the ability to do things that gave me a feeling of accomplishment.  Of worthiness.  Of enjoyment.  Thanks to Muffy and alot of hard work, I'm getting it back.

Maybe soon I'll post a current picture of myself on this blog.  I'm almost to the point where I'd accept being photographed.  I know that I've learned that whatever I can do, whatever I can be is good enough.  This last year is a testament to that.  But I'm just not quite there yet in my heart.  I just don't feel normal yet.  I don't feel like my old self yet.  If I wait until then we may never see a current picture of me so I'll work on that.

Everyone go forth and accomplish something in my honor.  It really feels good!!

Gym Etiquette

In case I haven't been clear, I've been spending alot of time in the gym lately.  ALOT of time.  This business of getting my body back to something I recognize when I look in the mirror and when I try to move is a tough one.  But every day I slog off to the gym with my bag full of towels and shoes ready to do battle with age, gravity and Cushing's.

When one spends endless hours confined to any environment, one cannot help but pick up on the people around them and what those people are doing, wearing and, to some degree, thinking.  I have my ipod loaded up with my podcasts, show tunes and favorite '80's hair bands, but let's face it.  Even I can't ignore what's going on around me forever.  Therefore, I have compiled some suggestions for you all to make your trips to the gym much more palatable to the people around you.  No need to thank me, it's what I do...

1)If you feel the need to wear a stocking cap, or knit cap of any kind, while working out, please LAUNDER IT!!  Smells linger folks especially when they are borne from the head.  No matter how cool you think it makes you look, the stench negates it.

2)Visible muffin tops mean those pants/shorts are too small.  Just suck it up (as I have done) and go to Target and get the next size up. If you keep working out that muffin top will be gone in no time.
**caveat to point 2 - A bigger shirt that is not clinging to said muffin top also does the trick.

3)Putting as much weight on a machine as is possible for you to lift once doesn't make you look like  a he-man whose muscles are the envy of all in the land.  It makes you look like a hernia waiting to happen.

4)If you're feeling a little loopy, do NOT use the treadmill.  Nothing says "someone call 911" like a body shooting off the back of a treadmill...not that I'd know anything about that...

5)Do not perch on machines while yacking to your friend, on your phone (why are you on the phone at the gym anyway?), or just trying to avoid having a stroke.  Someone else may want to actually use the machine you are hogging.  Move it or be ready to watch that cell phone get heaved across the room.
**caveat to point 5 - This does not apply to Christy or Robin who must be available to text me at all times...

6)The gym is not a fashion show, it's where you go to sweat.  If you were supposed to look like a model it would be called a "runway".  This doesn't mean that we can't wear cute little outfits that we feel good in and motivate us to give 110% to our workout.  It just means that if you are worried about your hair or make up while working out you're doing it wrong.

7)The gym may not be a fashion show, but it's not the place to wear the t-shirt with more holes than fabric or the shorts that you used to wear in 7th grade P.E. class.  Use common sense here people!

8)Chronic Bed-Head has a place at the gym, and that place is UNDER A HAT!  (see point 1 if that hat is of the knit variety.)  No one wants to imagine that 15 minutes ago you were just rolling out of bed and onto the rowing machine.

I hope we've all learned something here today.  Please feel free to pass along any of this info to those in need...