Off to the fair we go.

In an effort to have more fun these days, Keith and I decided to venture down to Sedalia Missouri on Tuesday and visit the MO state fair.  We are not necessarily "fair" people, we have not made a pilgrimage to state fairs all across America in hopes of hitting 50 in 50 by the time they pry the car keys from our cold dead hands.  But a fair visit every now and again is good clean (well, not in the livestock area...you gotta watch where you step) fun so we decided to take the short hour and a half drive to Sedalia.

I was hoping for a nice assortment of fried food on a stick.  Isn't that really the best perk of a day at the fair?  They can pretty much batter and fry anything these days and goodness knows Americans will eat it.  I have no problem with throwing concern for my arteries out the window for the day to imbibe in a few heart clogging snacks, but I was sorely disappointed in the available assortment.  Aside from your basic corn dogs, the food on a stick options were non-existent.  My desire for a fried Twinkie, or maybe a fried Oreo would have to wait for our next fair adventure.  We did, however, have lunch at the "Pork, the Other White Meat" building and were quite satisfied with our piggy filled meals.  I had a pork burger with bacon, and Keith had fall-off-the-bone tender BBQ ribs worthy of an oinky YUM-O!

After our pork-filled dining experience, we moved on to the livestock barns. We hit the goats,

piggys,

sheepys (they were in cognito!)

cows,

more piggies (ha, ha),

and bunnies (this one's for you Wendy!).

We walked and walked and walked and walked.  Something I could not do only a few short months ago.  But my new hip held up like a trooper!  And after visiting with the animals and looking at all the fair winners in categories from home grown bell peppers to quilts to cakes to arts and crafts to home spun yarn and painted porcelain, we took a break in the dairy building for some ice cream.  And there we saw it.  The maraschino cherry on the sundae of the Missouri State Fair - the ginormous butter sculpture of a cow...thinking...





This artistic piece of cholesterol magic was behind glass in a temperature controlled room for all to see.  We in Missouri are not to be outdone by the Iowa state fair (which garnered much media attention for it's fried food on a stick and out of place GOP candidates on the stump) which has quite a legacy of ginormous butter carvings created for their fair. 

Not being able to top the butter sculpture, we knew instinctively it was time to go.  We departed the fair tired but satisfied that we partook in all that the MO fair had to offer and yet with our arteries and cholesterol levels in tact.  A good day was had by all.  And pork...

Lest we worry...

...based on my last post, that I am hopelessly entrenched in negativity and dismay over my current medical situation, fear NOT!  Any good Princess worth her weight in shiny sparkly things knows that while sometimes life contains more than one's regal share of poopy, it is never 100% crap based.  Yes I am staring in the face some pretty heavy things right now and desperately trying to reconcile everything in my overachieving, control oriented mind.  But that doesn't mean that I don't also recognize that I am still so lucky and happy in my life.  Circumstances may have stacked up in a way I don't want, wouldn't choose and certainly wouldn't wish on anyone else, but that doesn't make my life as a whole any worse for wear.  It's not difficult to take half a look around and see so many people who have it worse than me.  Way worse than me.  So "woe is me" just isn't part of my vocabulary.  I just have things to work through, that's all.  And in the meantime, I appreciate my favorite things, goofy and not-so-much, that make me smile every day.  Let me recap some of them here...

•  My husband, pups, family and friends.  More support and love one person couldn't expect or want.
• Pink - Just about anything in pink makes me happy.  Add some sparkles and I'm grinning ear to ear!
• Roasted vegetables - It's weird, I know.  But mom taught me well.  This is my comfort food and daily lunch.  Yum-o!
• HGTV - How else do you think I get all the home improvement ideas that keep me busy?
• Major League Baseball - On TV or in person the boys of summer entertain me to no end.  And if the Giants win without giving me a heart attack, so much the better.
• Good literature - Words are magic.  They can transport you anywhere and teach you everything.
• Possibility - The fact that the possibilities in life are bound only by the size of your wants and dreams.  Nothing is impossible.  Everything is attainable if you work for it.  Except maybe me making it on the pro beach volleyball scene...but I'm dealing with that...
• Show tunes in the car - No reason we all can't channel our inner Ethel Merman while driving.
• Nachos - No explanation necessary.
• My Gizmo socks - How can you not be happy when you wear these??

So there you have it.  Enjoy the little things when the big things are poopy.  That's what I have to say about that...

Anybody home???

You may have noticed that I haven't been my usual prolific self in the past month or so with regards to postings here.  I'm sure you have missed my musings on life in general that were usually scattered amidst the medical mystery details that have become the fabric of my life.  But lately I have lost my edge.  My creativity has waned.  My humor relatively non-humorous.  As I see this happening, I ask myself "why?".  I don't remember finding myself in this frame of mind during the last year and a half or so.  What's going on?  I'm starting to realize that the key is the time frame.  A year and a half is a long time.  A really long time.  And I think it's starting to get to me.

I've heard people say that the most difficult thing about getting older is letting go of the expectation of what you thought your life was going to be and being satisfied with and finding joy in what your life actually is.  This can be easy (at 46 I'll probably never play professional beach volleyball), or difficult (I thought I'd always be relatively low maintenance...in the medical sense anyway...).  It never occurred to me that my life would revolve around blood tests, alarms going off reminding me to take pills, peeing in a jug, and hoping that federal funding to the NIH doesn't get cut.  In the beginning of this Cushing's saga, I could convince myself that this was just a blip on the personal health meter.  That it wasn't a permanent thing and that I was just paying my dues for all the years that I went medical malady free.  It is becoming more difficult to maintain that optimism.  That belief that this will all be over and my life will return to normal.  That normal that I knew.  That blissfully confident way that my body did what I wanted it to do not what it wanted to do.  I'm starting to mourn for the fact that that ship has sailed.

As near as we can figure, there are going to be two ways out of my Cushing's situation.  Best case is that my gaggle at the NIH finds the tumor that has taken over my endocrine system and nukes the bastard.  I'm due to be re-scanned stem to stern in November, and every finger and toe is crossed that this time is the pay dirt hitting scan-o-rama.  But what if it doesn't happen?  What if the tumor eludes us yet again?  Yes, we could continue on the way we are, life revolving around medications and doctors, for another 6 months until I can be scanned again hoping that that time will be the magic discovery, but do we want to?  That question leads to the only other way out of this mess that is blowing to crap my expectation of the rest of my life.  

If I have my adrenal glands removed, my Cushing's problem would be solved.  It would be solved tomorrow if that's what I wanted to do.  Without adrenals, no cortisol is produced (among other things) and no matter what the tumor in my body is doing, it won't make a difference.  There won't be anything there to listen and do it's bidding.  But, as with everything, there is a catch.  I would have to take medication to replace everything that is no longer produced by the absent adrenals.  That makes me an instant chronic, pre-existing condition and someone who is no longer "healthy".  My life isn't supposed to turn out like that.  Like any of this. 

So there's the choice.  Do I continue on trying to live with Cushing's hoping that eventually my tumor is found meanwhile enduring toxic drugs, radioactive scans, bothersome chemical swings in my system, alarms, doctor visits and a life that revolves around Cushing's rather than the joy of living?  Or do I cut my losses and admit defeat.  I can't win this battle the way I want so I'm going to take charge and end it the way I can.  On my terms.  And how do I not think of that as a defeat.  As giving in.  As losing a fight I wasn't strong enough to continue to fight.  There my friends lies the core of why my prose has dried up and where my mind has gone.

I'm sure my humor and observation skills of the world around me will return.  Soon.  They never stay away for long.  Life is just too ironic for me to let pass by without comment.  But let it be known that I am trying  to reconcile this batch of poopy and re-adjust my views on my own life and future.  We all do it.  I'm just being forced to do it a little sooner and differently than I expected.