Here we are almost on the eve of Christmas 2013 surrounded by snow and the spirit of the Holidays. All seems to have a glow of good cheer and brilliant possibility for the new year. All except for me...
It's not that I'm not feeling the Holidays at all. I am. But not in a visceral way. I don't seem to be feeling much in a visceral way these days. A wall seems to have been hit and I'm trying to figure out what to do now.
Many of you commented over the past years what a good attitude I had. So positive, so optimistic, so ridiculously good humored. As if it's time to resume normalcy, I have lost much of that naivete and I'm trying to get it back. I can only liken what I'm feeling these days to what PTSD must feel like. You go full bore during the stressful time handling everything like a champ because you have to. There is a common foe to fight and not to fully commit to doing so would be akin to giving up. And I don't give up.
But what happens when the problem doesn't go away, but it's kind of...on hold. Nothing much to do but monitor, watch manically for any indication of a problem, pee in a jug every now and then, and just hang out in a perpetual state of uncertainty. Accompanied with a low level of constant medication induced nausea. It's just the way life is. The new normal has arrived.
But I am a problem solver. I do, not wait. I am all about action not inaction. But there is nothing I can do to change anything. I do not control my destiny in this particular part of my life and for a person who believes to the quick of her very being that the only thing we actually have in this life is control of his/her destiny, it is not computing. All of a sudden I find myself devoid of that naivete, that optimism, that energy to laugh about things. Like all of the energy I expended over the past 4 years has finally emptied my tank. That's how I feel. Empty. Which brings the next question: How to I recharge? I don't know how to relax. I've never known how to do it. And now that's what I have to do to to get back my life. Ironic. Terribly ironic.
So that's what I'm doing. Trying to relax, recharge, realign my attitude. And not feel guilty about it. So far I've had a mix of results. A couple of panic attacks, but a couple of really great days too. I figure as long as I can keep that ratio at about 50/50 I'm staying afloat. Eventually I assume the ratio will tip in my favor. Until then I'll just keep learning how to be still. How to have fun. How to relax. How to feel happy and care free again.
Of course, on the unemotional side, I do have to pee in a jug and have blood drawn every other week now based on having to add in another medication to bring down my cortisol level which had decided to creep up again. And a trip to NIH in February is on the horizon which will include a visit to a brand new scan up and approved to test when I get there! Woo-hoo! Back to Guinna pig status. I can understand that. I can live with that. But maybe this will be the time that the tumor will be found and I can stop taking all these meds and get back to my regular life. Or maybe my new normal life. I don't know.
Until then I'm trying to relax. Am I the only one who doesn't know how to do that? Probably. But I will soldier on. Wish me luck and good humor. I'm in need these days.
